Prayer & Hope

On September 6th, I started 21 Days of Prayer for my boys.  I was very intimidated and more than a little apprehensive.  I'm not very good at prayer.  I'm not good at making time.  I'm not good at keeping this kind of commitment.  But, God, as usual, knew that I would need this to help me through this week.  And, oh, what a week it has been.

On Monday, I started my prayer journey at the park.  I walked and prayed and cried and was humbled and walked and prayed some more.  My very first day was to pray for a heart change for my boys.  As I prayed the scriptures, it struck me that I'm the one that needs a heart change.  Here is the prayer that I wrote when I finally gathered myself together...

Dear Lord, As I pray these verses over my sons, Liam & Jax, I find myself broken.  How can I pray for/over my precious boys if I don't first accept that I need to pray the same scripture for myself first?  I need a heart change.  I need a clean heart, a renewed spirit.  I need to say, "Your will Lord, not mine."  I need to honor you with my heart and not just my lips.  I need to draw near to you.  Lord, I have failed you and my boys.  Please help me to find a heart changed so that I will be able to be the mommy that my boys need.  Help me to be patient, loving, gentle, pure, caring, generous, joyful, peaceful and kind.  God, please take my hand and guide me.  Help me to get out of the way so that you can lead me.  Amen.


As the week has gone on I have found myself taking time to pray, making time to keep this commitment and even seeing some changes.  No, my boys are not obeying all of the time, they are not listening all of the time, they are not perfect angels.  In fact, Satan my be working overtime.  But, their mommy is a little more patient, a little more loving and a little more kind.  These prayers have helped me get through the week.  They have given me a lifeline.  They have offered me hope.

In addition to the 21 Days of Prayer, my church and Sunday School class has been studying the book, Why? by Adam Hamilton.  I have asked God, "WHY?" many times in my life.  Sometimes, I get an answer, sometimes I don't and sometimes I fail to recognize the answer to my question.  This book has helped ground me a little more and has given me perspective and hope and peace...especially this week.  So, with the beginning of a changed heart and my knew insight into God's will, I have been able to face yesterday, today and will be able to face tomorrow.

Today is September 11, 2011.  It's been 10 years.  I remember that Tuesday morning so well.  I remember what I was wearing.  I remember what my students were doing in my 9th grade English 1 class.  I remember turning on the radio after Brent called.  I remember finally turning on the TV.   I remember not even understanding what the World Trade Center was.  I remember driving home from work that day on I20 west and seeing all of the enormous American flags flying at half mast in Grand Prairie.  I remember wishing my parents didn't live in Michigan so they could give me a hug and tell me that everything was going to be okay.  I remember wondering if this was the beginning of the end of the world.  I remember thinking, "I'm not sure I want to bring children into this world."  I remember holding it together long enough to get home from school and then I lost it.  I remember sitting in front of the TV watching the news (that was the only thing on anyway).  I remember going back to school the next day and every day that week.  There wasn't much teaching occuring in my classroom...just a lot of talking and listening and trying to make sense.  I remember thinking, "why aren't my students' parents talking to them?"  I remember thinking that nothing will ever be the same again.  I remember thinking my parents will always remember what they were doing when President Kennedy was assassinated.  This is my generations' event that we will always remember...

So, today at church, we remembered.  And we thanked God.  We reflected over the last 10 years and thanked God for the good things that have happened to us since then.  I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful little boys.  I have a nephew and another one on the way.  I have two loving parents who now live 20 minutes away from me.  I have a father in law and mother in law who are some of the most generous people I have ever met.  I have wonderful friends, an amazing church, a God who is big enough and a support system that I could have never imagined.  And, I thank God.

This week, I dreaded today.  I dreaded the emotions, the memories, the pain, the questions and the grief.  But, it came anyway.  And the week leading up to today was hard enough without the 10th anniversary of 9/11.  There were tragedies.  Deaths of children that I cannot explain.  Four children - none of them related and a wide range of ages.  I am carrying grief for these families that I am having a hard time processing.  The majority of my grief comes from me projecting because now I am a mommy.  I can't help but think about the parents and how in the world they are going to continue on without their child.  I cannot help but wonder what I would do if it was me instead of them.

I don't have any answers.  I don't have any words.  I do have hope because I know my God is big enough.  I have hope because God promises not to leave me or forsake me.  I have hope because my God promises resurrection and in that promise I know that the worst is not the last.  I have the power of prayer and the peace that prayer brings.  And in the midst of the pain, the tears and the grief, I am thankful that my prayer life has been renewed by a challenge to pray daily for my boys for 21 days.